


Not Supposed to Be a Mother

by snubnosedpantalaimon



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25089670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snubnosedpantalaimon/pseuds/snubnosedpantalaimon
Summary: Mrs Coulter had never found babies particularly endearing and when Lyra had been born screaming and covered in blood, Marisa's intiial reaction had been disgust rather than anything maternal. However, as she stepped close to the crib and her eyes found her daughter's sleeping face, it made something stir in the woman's heart.A collection of ficlets in an AU where Marisa raised Lyra.
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter
Comments: 27
Kudos: 124





	1. Chapter 1

She'd been a mother for a matter of days but Marisa Coulter had scarcely even seen her child, nor had she made an attempt to. She'd caught her daemon gazing at the door leading to the child's nursery multiple times, which had made her pinch him in anger, because she simply wasn't supposed to be a mother. 

  
One night while going to turn in for sleep however, the golden monkey's curiosity got the better of him. Finding the door of the nursery ajar, she could feel his pining in their shared link and, with barely a glance at her, he'd started to move into the room before she could stop him.   


" _Don't_ ," Marisa hissed, feeling the urge to hit her daemon for his disobedience as she followed him into the room, but the anger she felt was replaced with some other emotion she couldn't quite place as her gaze set on the crib and she caught sight of the infant inside it.

  
Mrs Coulter had never found babies particularly endearing and when Lyra had been born screaming and covered in blood, Marisa's intiial reaction had been disgust rather than anything maternal. However, as she stepped close to the crib and her eyes found her daughter's sleeping face, it made something stir in the woman's heart. There was Asriel in some of Lyra's features, enough to make her mother panic to see it but subtle enough that she hoped that it wouldn't be as obvious to others, but Marisa also recognised a little of herself in this infant's face. It was scrunched up in a light frown, tiny lips just slightly parted, and Mrs Coulter couldn't help but smile a little at the expression.

  
Lyra's daemon was in the form a tiny kitten and when his eyes blinked open and he let out a tiny mew, the golden monkey climbed up on to Marisa's back - she had to resist the urge to shove him off of her - and reached in to the crib to pet the other daemon's head. Lyra herself stirred moments later, letting out a fussy noise, and Marisa reacted before she could even register what she was doing.

  
"Shhh." She reached to cup one of the newborn's cheeks and gently rubbed a thumb over the soft skin there. This seemed to soothe the baby, who momentarily blinked her eyes open to stare at her mother, before closing them and turning her head to sleep more. Marisa smiled again, though there was some momentary confusion at what she was doing behind it, and her hand moved up to the top of her daughter's head, her fingertips running over the thin dark hair there. 

  
Then the moment was over and as the golden monkey moved off of her back, Mrs Coulter's anger returned. She reached to grasp a chunk of his golden fur in her hands, giving it a warning tug, and moved towards the door and out of the nursery. The golden monkey spared one last glance towards the crib, before following her out. 


	2. First Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An eleven month old Lyra takes her first steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to make this a series! It's just going to be random little ficlets set in an AU where Marisa raised Lyra, with probably mostly fluffiness because I need soft things between them. Especially after last night because 2x05 destroyed me lmao.

For the first couple of months of Lyra's life, Marisa was more or less absent. But as her curiosity about her daughter grew, so did the time she spent in the nursery and by the time Lyra was six months old, Marisa was the baby's favourite person.

The child was not rejectful of the staff but whenever she caught sight of the golden monkey or Marisa herself, Lyra would let out an excited little squeal. By eight months old, Lyra had learned to crawl and then, if she was able, she would also go to her mother whenever she caught sight of her to greet her, Pantalaimon following close behind her.

So as Marisa and her monkey walked into the nursery shortly before Lyra's first birthday, sending away the staff member that was in there, the delighted little noise they heard was not unexpected and the woman couldn't contain a smile at it as her daemon moved over to greet her daughter's.

The pure innocence of Lyra's excitement at her presence was something that Marisa'd found rather overwhelming at first, but it was something she'd forced herself to get to used to. The child had been sat playing with her daemon not far from her crib today but she wasn't looking at her mother anymore or crawling at all. She had a little fist clutching one of the bars of the crib and it struck Marisa what she was doing then.

_She's standing up._

Lyra pulled herself up to standing position and turned to look at her mother, wide brown eyes boring into Marisa's blue ones. The baby had done this a couple of times before recently in Marisa's presence and her mother had thought she might try to walk, but Lyra had either simply moved back down and crawled again or tried to take a step and fallen.

"Come here," Marisa said gently, moving closer and lowing herself to the ground with open arms. Perhaps this time, she might be able to do it. "Come here, Lyra."

The baby almost seemed to understand what her mother was saying and did as she was asked, taking a few clumsy steps and closing the distance before practically falling into her mother's arms with a squeal.

"Good girl," Marisa cooed, scooping Lyra into her arms and placing a kiss to her little forehead. "You're a clever girl, Lyra."

The golden monkey gently pet Pantalaimon, who was an infant version of the other daemon's form and chirping happily in his arms.

"But you mustn't grow up too quickly," Marisa continued, stroking one of her daughter's chubby cheeks. "This world is crueler to women than it is to tiny girls like you are now."

Lyra looked at her mother's face for a moment almost like she understood those words, and Marisa found herself staring into those big innocent eyes. Then, Lyra started to babble again and reached a fist to play with the necklace her mother was wearing. Marisa placed another kiss to the child's forehead and found herself simply watching her little girl. She still wasn't sure how something so innocent could come from her and the sin she had committed. It was something she both wanted to run from, because her own innocence had been stolen from her and the idea of her tarnishing that in her child terrified her, and to cling to, because it fascinated her and she found herself wanting to protect Lyra from the world that had already damaged her mother.

"I'm going to try for you, Lyra," Marisa said gently, bouncing her daughter slightly. She'd truthfully never wanted to be a mother and the pregnancy had terrified her, but Lyra had found a way into her mother's heart nonetheless and her mother found she simply couldn't fight it off. She only wished that she could raise her daughter in a better world.

"I don't entirely know how to do this, but I promise you that I'm going to try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your support on these and if y'all have any prompts you want to send me, feel free to send me them on tumblr @ snubnosedpantalaimon <3


	3. Golden Babysitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Marisa works, the golden monkey is trusted to keep Lyra entertained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from lostberryqueen on Tumblr: The golden monkey babysitting Lyra while Mrs. Coulter does work. He’s got hands so he could like move blocks around and play peekaboo while Mrs. Coulter sits there really stoicially. Like he’s a literal monkey he would be the perfect babysitter. In this case he would reveal Mrs. Coulter’s warmer side

Lyra had not long woken up from a nap, and Marisa, working in her office, could hear the cries coming from the nursery. She assumed one of the staff would do what they were supposed to and tend to her daughter, but after a few minutes, Lyra was still crying because no one had come.

Angrily, Marisa got up from her desk and made her way towards the nursery, the golden monkey following behind her with a growl.

She wasn't angry at her daughter. She couldn't be angry with a baby for behaving like a baby. She was angry at the staff for not doing what they were paid for. As Marisa stepped in to the nursery however, her anger was put to the back of her mind as she saw Lyra's tear-streaked little face, Pantalaimon flying about the room as a frightened baby bird. When she saw her mother, Lyra reached out for her like a plea, which made Mrs Coulter's heart feel like it was bursting.

"Shhh," She soothed, lifting the child out and placing her against her hip. "Shhh, it's alright now."

Almost instantly, Lyra's crying stopped and she rested her head against her mother's shoulder. Pantalaimon was perched on the golden monkey's outstretched paw. Marisa stood there rocking her daughter for a moment, placing a kiss into her hair.

_What can we do with her?_ Marisa thought. She still had work to do yet, but Lyra needed entertainment. An idea came to her when she noticed the monkey stroking Pan's feathers, her gaze setting on his paws.

_They're like human hands._ If **he** could entertain Lyra for a while...

Always able to read her thoughts, the monkey collected some building blocks from the floor and followed Marisa and Lyra out of the nursery, Pan perched on his shoulder.

Once she arrived at the office, Marisa sat Lyra down in the corner of the room and moved to take a seat back at her desk. The monkey placed the building blocks in front of the baby, watching as she picked two up with curiosity. With the remaining ones, he began to stack them in the form of small tower. Lyra lightly smacked the two blocks in her hands together, Pantalaimon now perched on her shoulder as a baby owl.

She tried to mimick what the monkey was doing, placing the blocks together in a miniature tower, and then unexpectedly shoved at the taller one. The monkey had to move out of the way as the blocks toppled over, falling to the floor. Marisa glanced over for a moment but neither she or the monkey could be angry as the baby burst into little giggles, the sound making her mother's heart burst in the way it had when Lyra had reached out for her earlier.

They continued like that for a while, the monkey building little towers and Lyra pushing them over to make herself burst into giggles again. Pan wanted to join in fun too, shifting to his infant golden monkey form and doing his best to help organise the blocks with his own little hands.

Marisa, still sat stoically at her desk, was surprised to find that the noise wasn't much of a bother to her at all. In fact, hearing Lyra's little giggles was a comfort to her. Eventually the baby grew tired of the blocks and the golden monkey quickly tidied them away and took a seat in front of her. He covered his face with his paws, then quickly uncovered it, making Lyra laugh again. He did this a number of times before Pantalaimon, who had been a little butterfly on Lyra's face, shifted into her lap in his baby monkey form once more and tried to mimick the action.

The monkey was still at it when Marisa began to tidy away her things, done with her work for the day. Then a feeling washed over her deep in her gut that took her breath away, and made her eyes shoot to her daemon.

Babies were too young to know of the taboo, and Marisa glance over found that Lyra was _hugging_ the golden monkey.

The woman had scarcely shown him affection herself since their own childhood, so having another child show him it was quickly growing to be too much.

"L-Lyra," she said, managing to stand and moving over to scoop the baby into her arms and away from her daemon. "It's time to eat now."

The monkey stared at Lyra with a sadness and pining in his eyes. He knew he should be disgusted by someone else touching him and he was, somewhat. However he'd so often felt pain and roughness throughout the time he and Marisa had been alive that the warmness of a hug had done well at silencing that feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your prompt! I hope you enjoy this and that this is something like what you had in mind! I had so much fun writing this, it was truly an adorable prompt <3 
> 
> If there is any other prompts someone would like to send, please direct them over to my tumblr @ snubnosedpantalaimon!


	4. Chickenpox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lyra," Marisa said, an edge of concern in her voice, and she reached to press the back of her hand to the toddler's forehead. She frowned, feeling that Lyra was too warm.  
> Mrs Coulter checked the child over for any other sign of ill health and gasped when she noticed something on her little arm. There was a rash of spots covering most of her arm. Had that been there before? She was certain that she would have noticed if it had been.  
> \--------------------------------------  
> Little Lyra gets chickenpox and Marisa takes it upon herself to look after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AreWeThereYet gave me a prompt for a sick baby Lyra, and this was the result. I hope you all enjoy it! <3

The first symptom Lyra displayed was a cough but it wasn't until lunchtime that her mother began to fully accept that something was wrong. Marisa had taken to spending mealtimes with Lyra whenever she could and the little girl usually ate keenly, often making a mess which her mother disproved of. Today, though, seemed different because Lyra's enthusiasm for her food was not there. She'd only eaten a small amount of it and didn't seem particularly interested in the rest, fidgeting uncomfortably, and Pan was curled up on her shoulder as a baby ermine, tired and dazed.

  
"Lyra," Marisa said, an edge of concern in her voice, and she reached to press the back of her hand to the toddler's forehead. She frowned, feeling that Lyra was too warm.  
Mrs Coulter checked the child over for any other sign of ill health and gasped when she noticed something on her little arm. There was a rash of spots covering most of her arm. Had that been there before? She was certain that she would have noticed if it had been. 

  
Lyra began to fuss and squirm in her mother's arms and moved a hand towards the rash but Marisa gently grabbed her arm and moved it back, instinct telling her to prevent Lyra from touching it. The golden monkey tried to keep hold of a fussy and wriggly Pan.

  
"Shhh," Marisa soothed as Lyra began to fuss again. She held her close and placed a kiss to the top of her daughter's head, a concerned frown still in place. This would not do. She would have to get in contact with a children's doctor to come here as soon as possible. "It's going to be alright, my love."

Lyra didn't seem particularly convinced of that however, and fussed for most of the rest of the day. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
The next morning, the doctor was due to arrive. The rash had noticeably spread to Lyra's little face and hands, to Marisa's horror, and while changing Lyra for the day, it was discovered that most of the rest of her body had the rash too.

  
The toddler couldn't stop fussing, whimpering and squirming with Pan curled in a tight ball against her neck, and Marisa felt powerless to do anything to help. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she did her best to soothe Lyra, rocking her and shushing her and trying to get her to eat something as they waited for help to arrive.

  
When it finally did in the form of a male doctor, and he looked Lyra over, he was able to come to the conclusion of what the issue was rather quickly.

  
"Your daughter has contracted a virus that is very common in children of her age," He explained to Marisa. "She'll be uncomfortable for a short time, but she should recover perfectly fine. I presume you have been in regular contact with her since her symptoms began?"

  
"Yes. Every day."

  
"And you don't feel ill at all yourself or have any symptoms of your own?"

  
"No." Marisa shook her head gently.

  
"The virus is highly contagious but not to someone who has had it before. It seems you most likely had it yourself when you were a child, but most are so young at the time they don't remember it." The doctor picked a small container out from his things and gently passed it to Marisa. "I suspected what it might be when the rash was described to me, so I came with this. It's is a cooling ointment that might help soothe some of Lyra's discomfort. Eventually her rash will look crusty and that means it's almost fully healed. Don't allow her to scratch at it, put socks on her hands to stop her, and be in contact with me again if there is change besides what I mentioned. Avoid anybody that you and she have not already been in contact with for more than a week or so either, so that they do not contract it."

  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
"Mama," Lyra whimpered. "Mama."

  
Marisa remembered the first time Lyra had called her that, at about a year old. It had been said so casually that Marisa hadn't been sure she'd heard her right at first, but then Lyra had repeated it and Marisa had sat on the floor of the nursery stunned, her eyes stinging fiercely.

  
"I'm here, darling," Marisa cooed, as she gently applied the ointment to Lyra's skin. She'd brought Lyra with her into her own bedroom, not wanting to let the little girl out of her sight at the moment. "My brave girl. Mama's making it better for you."

  
The little socks that were placed on Lyra's hands looked ridiculous but Marisa knew it was for the child's benefit. Once the ointment had been applied and the child was fully dressed again, Marisa took her into her arms and sat rocking her on the bed, finding herself humming gently until Lyra's eyes closed and her breathing evened out.

  
Mrs Coulter then simply watched her child sleep. Even with the rash on her face, Lyra was still one of the most beautiful things Marisa had ever seen and she found it almost impossible to pull her eyes away from her daughter. Was this normal for a mother to feel? She couldn't ever imagine Maman feeling this way for her, or feeling this amount of love for another human being at all. 

  
When she did manage to pull her eyes away from Lyra, it was to look over at their daemons. Little Pan was curled in a ball against the golden monkey, who looked back at Marisa with an intense look in his eyes. He was just as unsure as she was about how to process everything that Lyra and motherhood made them feel. She gave him a small sad smile, a rare moment of understanding between the two of them, before he looked away and then so did she, her gaze once again moving to the sleeping face of her Lyra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! If you have any prompts you would like to give me, feel free to leave them in a comment or let me know over on my tumblr @snubnosedpantalaimon <3


End file.
